Welcome to Yellowstone

It was a mid-may morning when I arrived at Yellowstone but, both internally and externally, it felt like a cold January night. Driving through the park for the first time, I felt nothing but dread.

Overwhelmed by it, for the first hour I sat in silence with my eyes closed as my dad drove. I couldn't face the landscape around me, no matter how much of a beautiful marvel it was said to be. The altitude, the emotional and physical exhaustion from graduation in the weeks leading up to this, and the "what am I doing here" overcame me in every way. Squinting a glance at the touring mountains left my stomach in knots. I hated them. I'd been here all but 5 minutes and my nerves were screaming at me to leave.

I despised that I felt this way-- here in this magical place, in this magical time ~~of new beginnings~~

The geologic wonders; the large rock formations, the waterfalls, the rolling hills, and steep mountains parameterizing the car made me feel immensely claustrophobic. Over the course of the day, I talked and retalked myself down from the cliff of panic.

This was incredibly hard and required me to enter into a serious state of auto-pilot.

Just get it done. As quick as possible. was all I could allow myself to think throughout the several drives (I had to do the drive to/ from Lake Village three times total that day, and dad had to do it four.) I'd think "okay ellie, just get your car. okay ellie, just make it to Mammoth Hot Springs, just make it to check in, just make it to your dorm."

Incrementally. I went through the motions. Every moment was so viscerally challenging. Like trying to eat a steak dinner with a stomach bug. When I finally arrived at Lake Village with no more tasks to do but to move my stuff in, I was so queasy, so tired, the only thing I could appreciate was the bed I was about to be in and the pummeling blizzard around me.

Matching my mood in welcome, the park had greeted me here in the middle of May with a fantastically powerful snowstorm. As I slept that first night, the weather replicated my discomfort, my panic, my anxieties. Trudging over to orientation the next morning, I was told the storm had gotten so bad that the power was out in the entire village, and the roads surrounding the little town were iced, blocked, and completely closed.

I was stuck here now, whether I liked it or not.

Over the next week, the cold remained, right alongside my fear. Similar to my emotions, it wasn't as bad, as extreme, as it was that first day. But it was still cold and the undercurrent of my mind and heart remained as it had been.

Seventeen days later and little by little, the snow has begun to melt. Last weekend I cold plunged, and this week I willingly swam in the rapids of Yellowstone River. I've started wearing shorts sometimes, and even got sun burnt while camping on Tuesday. Adjusting, processing, going through change, is still uncomfortable, but now, it is not what it once was.

Yesterday, I was out in Gardiner (the town right before the North entrance) for staff training and needed to get myself back here to Lake. This required me to drive through the park taking the same long 2 hour route as my dad and I did that first day. As I drove into the park, I looked up at the mountains and felt them welcome me back. I smiled and thought of them as my mountains. I drove home slowly, memorizing the little placards that named each lake, trail, geothermal entity. Alone on these winding roads in the middle of Wyoming, I felt free, calm, and completely independent.

Swiveling into Hayden Valley for the final 20 minute stretch of the drive, I was overwhelmed with joy. The valley was filled with bison, with geese, with elk, and birds. As if they'd all gathered there together to welcome me back. To cheer me on. Despite exhaustion from sleeping in my car the night before, undergoing 18 miles of rafting, and then making the 2 hour drive home, I slowed down and looked around. Detailed in the ground were millions of little springtime wildflowers. White, purple, and yellow petals sprouted up from all over. The sun was high and warm. :)